It was December 2012, about 7 months since I first got unwell and ‘burned out’ (see my earlier blog posts for what happened). Around this time Abbey reckoned I was a bit depressed. Ok, thats not true – she thought I was very depressed and had been on at me to talk to the doctor again!

DOCTOR, I’M ALRIGHT MATE!
I on the other hand thought I was alright. I mean struggling to get out of bed, feeling purposeless, not finding much desire for anything, feeling emotionally low – yeah I was alright…

We went together to the doctors for my routinely checkup and Abbey liked to come with me because whenever I saw the doctor I did this thing where I perked up like a spring chicken and got all cheery and happy. I would smile as I told him about how badly I had been doing. Abbey on the other hand was there to help bring a bit of reality to how I was doing. A typical doctors visit went like this –

Doc: ‘So how have you been doing?’
Me: ‘Yeah not too bad (big smile on my face). I’ve been feeling a bit headachy and tired still. Um, er, I have also been feeling low at times.’
Abbey: ‘What are you talking about Mark? Doctor, he has been so tired everyday, barely able to get up and his emotional state is not good’.
Me: ‘Well, its not that bad luv (feeling a bit embarrassed in front of the doctor).
Abbey: ‘Err, yes it is!’
Doc: (Silent, just listening like a good doctor does with the occasional nod)
Me: ‘Yeah I suppose she’s right’.

Yes, it hurt my pride but Abbey is my wife and she is a good women to me! After filling in a questionnaire assessing people for depression, I was prescribed by my doctor for the first time in my life with antidepressants (Citalopram).

WHAT EXACTLY IS DEPRESSION?
I found this generic definition in the dictionary –

“The act of lowering something or pressing something down.”

We talk about a depression in the weather or of a pedal in a car. And when it comes to human lives depression has a similar meaning. It describes the state of being emotionally low, or the ‘pressing down’ of a person’s emotions and life. Below are a number of symptoms that describe someone with depression (from http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/what-is-depression) –

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Fatigue and decreased energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
Insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
Irritability, restlessness
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
Loss of pleasure in life
Overeating or appetite loss
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
Thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts

We all have these kinds of emotions at times but what classes a person with depression is when these symptoms continue for a long period of time even when there are no particular bad events happening in that person’s life.

WHERE DO EMOTIONS COME FROM?
Ah, the big question! You may have heard it said that the ‘heart’ is the place of our emotions but biologically it would seem that the ‘heart’ or our emotions resides in a specific area of the brain known as the ‘limbic system’.

Trying to keeping things as simple as possible, if some kind of damage takes place in the limbic part of the brain then there will be damage in our emotions with depression be one of many different manifestations. It seems to me that there are three main things that can cause depression…

GENETICS

The genetic code and DNA we are born with can certainly make a person more or less vulnerable to depression. This is why depression sometimes runs in families. Chemicals such as Dopamine and Serotonin play a role in the emotions of a person. A depletion in these chemicals or a failure of the brain to control or produce these will effect the emotions and mood of a person. Antidepressants can help to control and balance these chemicals in the brain however it is not always that black and white.

TRAUMA & life events

Without a doubt our life experiences effect the health of our bodies and our emotions. Particularly, fearful and traumatic events, (especially in a child’s life) can severely or mildly damage the emotional part of the brain. Our bodies are excellent at survival including the brain… but there is a limit! We are not invincible supermen! There is only so much stress the brain can handle before it eventually ‘crashes’ or goes into ‘shut down’ in an attempt to survive an overwhelming experience. The danger is when it gets locked in that place permanently or for a period of time after the event has happened. As a result of this depression occurs as a symptoms and it remains there.

I think for me at least part of my depression was due to the effects of my burn out and chronic fatigue. The mental trauma of processing the sudden long term loss of my physical health, my work, my purpose, etc, was too much for my mind and depression was a symptom of that. My depression seemed to be in the form of ‘numbness’. I remember just ‘spacing out’ and feeling like that a lot. My emotions just shut down. I now understand that this is one of the brain’s ways of going into survival mode. For me it was hard to feel anything whether that be exciting feelings like joy or negative feelings like sadness. It was hard to feel motivated to do anything! I remember walking through the park feeling ‘dazed’ and wiped out.

WHAT WE BELIEVE ABOUT OURSELVES!

The last thing I will mention on the causes of depression is the whole area of identity and who we believe we are as people. From the day we are born we are forming thoughts and beliefs about ourselves! This happens through life events and through the relationships with our parents and others who influence us. The forming of our beliefs about ourselves particularly takes place in our childhood days.

For example imagine a little girl who grew up with a parent who only rewarded and showed her love when she had done well. It would not be unreasonable for this little girl to form the early childhood belief that her value and worth is based upon her performance and achievements. But what happens as the years go by and for whatever reasons she finds herself failing at life? Her relationships with men fail. Her parenting as a single mum fails. The only job she has is a bottom of the ladder minimum wage job. And on the list goes! Now as an adult that old imprinted belief – ‘you are what you achieve’ is going to somehow manifest in her life and in her emotions. She may not even be aware of this old childhood belief in the midst of her failings. Often these early childhood beliefs get some how put on the back shelf in the sub conscious part of the limbic brain. But the result can be depression.

I guess my point is this – you cannot live your life (consciously or sub-consciously) believing you are worthless and not be effected emotionally!

SEND ME OUT AN SOS!!
In 1905 the German government started using the famous morse code distress signal through radio for ships that were in danger out at sea. SOS became associated with such phrases as “save our ship”, “save our souls” and “send out succour” (wikipedia).

Depression doesn’t have to be this strange and mysterious mental disorder. Perhaps depression is the way the body or the brain is saying, ‘Send me out an SOS’. Depression is a symptom of emotional damage. Perhaps depression is a distress signal trying to get your attention… Perhaps it is trying to say, “Hey those awful beliefs about yourself that you’ve buried and forgotten over the years need dealing with!” Maybe depression is not meant to be ignored. Perhaps it is there tugging at your arm saying, “the pain and the trauma of 15 years ago needs attention!!”

In closing maybe the purpose of this post is to take some time out to pay attention to the warning lights in your emotional life. I know many people out there have depression far worse than I will ever know and my heart goes out to you! I am certainly not an expert in this field… however I surprisingly found myself stumbling over this topic for this post. I had not set out to hit this topic but perhaps I was meant to!

Next week I want to look at how do we find hope and healing in regards to depression.

To be continued…