That’s exactly how I was feeling in January 2013, having arrived in Washington! Spiritually speaking I was still very much burnt out. I had no desire for God. I was more interested in watching a movie, or playing on my iPad or going to the gym than spending time in prayer with my Heavenly Father.

It’s been 22 days and I haven’t prayed!
I remember late into January 2013 becoming aware it had been weeks since I had spent time with God. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God or anything like that, far from it. I just simply had no passion or desire for God. I was tired, burnt out and low. Why would I want to read the bible or worship… that just felt like hard work. In fact I will go as far as saying that it was something that I just could not do. I didn’t have the power, desire or ability to pray, read the bible or worship!

However in this state of spiritual weakness I began to realize something. The reason I didn’t want to pray was that it was all about me! Prayer had become about me working my way through to the presence of God. It was about me praying, me singing, me worshiping. It was about my ability to come with a clear mind about God. It was about me trying to come with a correct view of who I am in Christ under grace (good stuff by the way). The problem with that was this – I was now too weak to do ‘all that’. I literally could not do it anymore.

Coming back to God all over again
I eventually started spending time with God again, but these times would become very different to what I had known previously. Let me share with you three key things that drew me back to God.

1. Coming to God with nothing
It was like starting over again as new Christian! It was like meeting Jesus again for the first time. I had nothing to give. No achievements to boast about. No holiness to bring. In fact everything I did have seemed at that time to be pretty bad!

So coming to God with ‘nothing’ was going to be a brave adventure. In fact I was in a strangely privileged position to really experience the gospel of grace…

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (‭Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭8-9‬ ESV)

And so I decided I would come to God just as I am – broken, sinful, and even without a desire for Him. I remember thinking to myself, ‘I wonder what’s going to happen?’

2. Being silent and letting God do the talking
Speaking of coming to God with nothing, I literally had nothing to say either! This time round my prayer life was going to be much more about being silent and listening to what God had ready to say to me!

“And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching…” (‭Luke‬ ‭10‬:‭39 ESV)

It was at this time that I first began to journal. I would sit down with my note book (ipad) and start my time with the Lord like this – “Father, what are you saying to me right now? What do you want to say to me?” I would then sit, wait, and sure enough to my surprise even, I found God speaking to me. Nearly every time I did this I felt God speaking to me about what I needed to hear most in my life at that time – his love for me and my identity in Christ.

3. Praying when I felt like it!
The other key thing that helped in bringing me back into prayer and relationship with God was coming to Him simply when I felt like it and wanted to. If that meant once or twice a week then let it be! Yep, contrary to a well planned, disciplined prayer life I decided that I could not and would not do it. You sometimes hear the popular saying, ‘even when we don’t feel it we still choose to worship’. I am sure that has some truth to it but for me at that time in my life it came down to this – if coming to God is not from my heart then what on earth is the point?!

And the Lord said: “… this people draw near with their mouth and honor me with their lips, while their hearts are far from me. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭29‬:‭13‬ ESV)

God doesn’t want my speech or my disciplined prayers. Nor does he want my striving or my well intentioned songs. He wants my heart. It’s got to be real and I mean really real! It’s got to be genuine. That’s what makes true relationships right? In fact I discovered the more real I got with God about my fears, my brokenness, and even what I thought of him – that’s when I met with God so easily and profoundly! As I came like this it was like I was meeting God directly face to face because I was now coming completely dependent on his grace.

What about you?
So these were three very precious things that brought me back to God in a time of crisis and burn out! But what about you?

Maybe you have a very good disciplined prayer life. Maybe you are up every morning at the crack of dawn to worship, read the bible and pray. Wow, that’s great! But check that you are coming to God with your heart. Check that your disciplined devotions haven’t become a substitute for relationship and being real with God. Sometimes it’s not always easy to tell.

Maybe you are a busy mum! Maybe you need to simply stop trying, and sit and wait on the Lord. Grab a pen and paper and take ten minutes out while your toddler has a nap (and then you can go for a nap yourself!). See what the Lord wants to say to you. Don’t feel guilty if you haven’t managed to pray for a long time. Start with where you are at but be real with God.

Lastly maybe for others, you have drifted away from God because of some crisis or a disappointment in your life. Perhaps deep down you are angry with God… Or perhaps (if we are going to ‘keep it real’) you don’t really believe God is very pleased with you. Well come to him just as you are! Be real with him. Tell him your hurts. Tell him how and even why you deep down have drifted away from him, and then wait to see what he will say to you.

I hope what I have shared from my personal experience has been helpful to you as you walk with God in this journey towards Glory!