I don’t want to pray, read the bible or worship…

Prayer, , , , , ,

That’s exactly how I was feeling in January 2013, having arrived in Washington! Spiritually speaking I was still very much burnt out. I had no desire for God. I was more interested in watching a movie, or playing on my iPad or going to the gym than spending time in prayer with my Heavenly Father.

It’s been 22 days and I haven’t prayed!
I remember late into January 2013 becoming aware it had been weeks since I had spent time with God. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God or anything like that, far from it. I just simply had no passion or desire for God. I was tired, burnt out and low. Why would I want to read the bible or worship… that just felt like hard work. In fact I will go as far as saying that it was something that I just could not do. I didn’t have the power, desire or ability to pray, read the bible or worship!

IMG_8549.JPG

However in this state of spiritual weakness I began to realize something. The reason I didn’t want to pray was that it was all about me! Prayer had become about me working my way through to the presence of God. It was about me praying, me singing, me worshiping. It was about my ability to come with a clear mind about God. It was about me trying to come with a correct view of who I am in Christ under grace (good stuff by the way). The problem with that was this – I was now too weak to do ‘all that’. I literally could not do it anymore.

Coming back to God all over again
I eventually started spending time with God again, but these times would become very different to what I had known previously. Let me share with you three key things that drew me back to God.

1. Coming to God with nothing
It was like starting over again as new Christian! It was like meeting Jesus again for the first time. I had nothing to give. No achievements to boast about. No holiness to bring. In fact everything I did have seemed at that time to be pretty bad!

IMG_8568.JPG

So coming to God with ‘nothing’ was going to be a brave adventure. In fact I was in a strangely privileged position to really experience the gospel of grace…

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (‭Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭8-9‬ ESV)

And so I decided I would come to God just as I am – broken, sinful, and even without a desire for Him. I remember thinking to myself, ‘I wonder what’s going to happen?’

2. Being silent and letting God do the talking
Speaking of coming to God with nothing, I literally had nothing to say either! This time round my prayer life was going to be much more about being silent and listening to what God had ready to say to me!

“And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching…” (‭Luke‬ ‭10‬:‭39 ESV)

It was at this time that I first began to journal. I would sit down with my note book (ipad) and start my time with the Lord like this – “Father, what are you saying to me right now? What do you want to say to me?” I would then sit, wait, and sure enough to my surprise even, I found God speaking to me. Nearly every time I did this I felt God speaking to me about what I needed to hear most in my life at that time – his love for me and my identity in Christ.

3. Praying when I felt like it!
The other key thing that helped in bringing me back into prayer and relationship with God was coming to Him simply when I felt like it and wanted to. If that meant once or twice a week then let it be! Yep, contrary to a well planned, disciplined prayer life I decided that I could not and would not do it. You sometimes hear the popular saying, ‘even when we don’t feel it we still choose to worship’. I am sure that has some truth to it but for me at that time in my life it came down to this – if coming to God is not from my heart then what on earth is the point?!

And the Lord said: “… this people draw near with their mouth and honor me with their lips, while their hearts are far from me. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭29‬:‭13‬ ESV)

God doesn’t want my speech or my disciplined prayers. Nor does he want my striving or my well intentioned songs. He wants my heart. It’s got to be real and I mean really real! It’s got to be genuine. That’s what makes true relationships right? In fact I discovered the more real I got with God about my fears, my brokenness, and even what I thought of him – that’s when I met with God so easily and profoundly! As I came like this it was like I was meeting God directly face to face because I was now coming completely dependent on his grace.

What about you?
So these were three very precious things that brought me back to God in a time of crisis and burn out! But what about you?

Maybe you have a very good disciplined prayer life. Maybe you are up every morning at the crack of dawn to worship, read the bible and pray. Wow, that’s great! But check that you are coming to God with your heart. Check that your disciplined devotions haven’t become a substitute for relationship and being real with God. Sometimes it’s not always easy to tell.

Maybe you are a busy mum! Maybe you need to simply stop trying, and sit and wait on the Lord. Grab a pen and paper and take ten minutes out while your toddler has a nap (and then you can go for a nap yourself!). See what the Lord wants to say to you. Don’t feel guilty if you haven’t managed to pray for a long time. Start with where you are at but be real with God.

Lastly maybe for others, you have drifted away from God because of some crisis or a disappointment in your life. Perhaps deep down you are angry with God… Or perhaps (if we are going to ‘keep it real’) you don’t really believe God is very pleased with you. Well come to him just as you are! Be real with him. Tell him your hurts. Tell him how and even why you deep down have drifted away from him, and then wait to see what he will say to you.

I hope what I have shared from my personal experience has been helpful to you as you walk with God in this journey towards Glory!

Blown away by hospitality

Hospitality, , , , , , , ,

Having left everything behind, and finally arrived in Washington in January 2013, you might be wondering where we were staying and how it would be possible given the fact we had hardly any money. Well let me introduce to you our dear friend Diane Segars and her son Jo!

IMG_8302.JPG

Out of the generosity of her heart, Diane took us into her home rent free for what would end up being a six month stay! Diane had recently had her basement remodeled and it was perfect for a family to temporarily live in. We had lovely bedrooms, a huge living room and beautiful views from the deck. Most of all we got blessed with Diane’s amazing cooking!!

This is where God led us as part of his plan to slowly heal and restore us. The funny thing is that Diane had been praying prior to us coming about what the Lord wanted her to do with her open space basement. She had felt for a while that she wanted to use it for retiring pastors who needed a time of healing. But in her own words she never thought it would be a young pastor and his family though!

“Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.” (Romans 12:13 ESV)

A hospitable loving church
Living with Diane was just a five minute walk from Faith Community Fellowship church. We had some family links there and it made sense that we would come along to this church in our new season of life. The church in many ways was very different to where we had come from. It wasn’t like the church that we had planted or our previous churches that we had been apart of… but this church excelled in love and in hospitality!

For a relatively small sized church we were showered with people welcoming us, loving us, serving us and providing for us in so many ways. One amazing example would be a future one when we finally moved into our own home. We had literally a few suitcases and that was it. We didn’t even have a fork or a mug for our new home! But the church rallied around us and provided nearly everything we needed for our new home! Sofas, cutlery, TV, food, toiletries, money, ornaments, cushions, chairs, and so much more. I will certainly write about this profound experience another time but I just wanted to get the picture across of what an amazing church we had landed with.

Without love it’s all nothing!
You can have all sorts of great things in a church – powerful ministry, Spirit led worship, anointed preaching, a glorious building, miracles, great publicity, etc. The list can go on and on, but here is something I learnt… in the famous words of the Apostle Paul – if you don’t have love, you really don’t have anything at all! (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).

My family and I were in a state of weakness and brokenness and God had placed us in a church that was filled with God’s love and welcomed us with hospitality.

Hospitality is an expression of God’s welcoming heart
Did you know the way we welcome people into our homes and into our lives can be an expression of the gospel and of how God welcomes us into his ‘home’ and world?

IMG_8303.JPG

God is the most hospitable person in the universe! Through the death of Jesus his Son, he adopted us as his very own children and welcomed us into his family and Heavenly home.

The father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate. (‭Luke‬ ‭15‬:‭22-24‬ ESV)

Through Jesus Christ, God gave us a place in his eternal home! He has clothed us with royal garments. He has killed the fattened calf and put on a party (in his own home!) for us because once we were dead but now we are alive and found in Him!

Jesus shares with us everything that once was only his!
Being adopted into God’s family also means that we are brothers and sisters with God’s only begotten Son, Jesus Christ. This means we are ‘co-heirs’ with Christ (Romans 8:16-17). We literally share everything that once only belonged to Jesus! Thats real hospitality – making everything that is yours somebody else’s too! Have you ever thought of the gospel from this angle before? Isn’t our God incredibly generous, unselfish and hospitable?

We share with Jesus his heavenly home. His unique Identity as God’s Son is now shared and given to us too! His royal privileges and so much more that we don’t really know about. But one day when Jesus returns we will discover the extent of His glorious generosity and hospitality to us as we come into the fullness of what it means to be God’s adopted sons and daughters.(Romans 8:23-25).

The gift of hospitality
What does this all mean for us? Just as God has welcomed us right into his life and home we should do the same with one another. Our dear friend Diane Segars and our church have been outstanding examples of this kind of love and hospitality!

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.” (1Peter 4: 8-10 ESV)

You might be reading this and thinking I want to be more hospitable but I don’t think I could do ‘that’ or be like ‘that person’. Well I do believe the above verse indicates that hospitality is a gift and that there are varying degrees of this gift (‘God’s varied grace’) that God has bestowed on each of us. Therefore if you feel a desire to have someone over for a meal… then go for it! Or maybe you feel faith to take someone into your home for 6 months… then go for it! Or perhaps you feel a calling and a desire to literally adopt a child (or more) into your home and family… then go for it! Whatever level of hospitality you feel you have been given, go for it with joy, doing it for the Lord!

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:17 ESV)

CHAPTER 2 – Leaving it all behind

Uncategorized

So far this blog has been an unfolding journey and story of all that has happened to my family and I since the time I first got unwell with fatigue and ‘burnt out’ as a church pastor in April 2012. These blog posts are about looking at all that happened and trying to see how God was there in the midst of the trials and how the gospel is still good news!

IMG_8061.JPG

Today starts the second part of this blog journey as we as a family finally moved from London, England to Washington, USA in January 2013.

Next blog arriving later today!
……………..

Where on Earth is home?

Heaven, Home, , , , , , , ,

It was 6am and all of us were up and dressed. Our four suitcases were ready packed with clothes, some toys for the kids and a few other things for our 6 month time out to Washington, USA. It was a very strange and weird atmosphere in the house as I looked at everything packed away including all our ‘memories’ of this wonderful home of ours! Most of our stuff was now in storage and the house felt empty. Somehow I knew we would not be returning to our home, although at the time I just denied it inwardly. We were leaving, but not for a vacation but rather for a way of escape from all that had happened to us as a family. This only added to the strange experience of that morning. I will never forget how painful it was knocking on our elderly neighbor’s door to say goodbye. They were such a lovely couple and our kids were often in their garden making them laugh. They had tears in their eyes. I got one quick photo in being the sentimental person I am, and then it was time to finally drive off to Heathrow Airport.

Image result for home sweet home

Deep down we were leaving everything behind – family, friends, culture, history, memories, schools, community and our possessions. But the biggest sense of what we were leaving was ‘home’. I just kept saying to God, ‘Lord this is just so strange. What’s happening to us? What is this all about?

Sojourners
As I read through the bible I find that it is full of examples of God’s people losing their earthly homes and finding themselves far away from what is familiar.

Abraham, Joseph and the people of Israel all found themselves in a life that wasn’t stationary! They were constantly on the move without a permanent earthly home. And then what about the early Christian church? They were a ‘scattered people’ (Acts 8:1). They were a persecuted people because of their faith in Jesus! Not a lot different from the persecuted Christians in Iraq at this moment in time! Peter in his letter to the scattered Church describes the Christians as –

“Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to…” (1Peter 2:11)

The dictionary describes the word Sojourner as – ‘to stay for a time in a place; live temporarily’.

We as a family have certainly felt like ‘sojourners’ over the last 2 years! We have lived in other people’s homes, we have even lived in a homeless shelter for a month! But all the time desperately seeking to find a home of our own again…

What does the good news of Jesus offer in times like these?
How did the apostles in the bible encourage those early Christian believers who were exiled from their homeland? How does the gospel bring hope to those who feel lost and without a ‘home’ in this world?

13 “These (Christians) all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city. (Hebrews 11:13-16)

The above verses describe the way of life for much of the early Christian church. They were desperately seeking a ‘homeland’. In the Old Testament that was called the promised land in Canaan. But now they found themselves in ‘exile’ and were ‘strangers’ on the earth. In other words they were scattered and not at home here. They were not settled and yet they were desperately looking for that. But here’s the point – they never found that ‘home’ here on earth because their true home that they were created for was coming. The ‘country’ or homeland and life they were looking for was a ‘heavenly one’. Something that God had prepared for them in the future.

IMG_8066.JPG

Not looking back but forwards to the heavenly city!
Did you notice in the above passage verse 15? This really grabbed me! A key to moving forwards when you are feeling lost and unsettled in life is this – not looking back but to the greater thing ahead. In this case the early scattered Church had their eyes upon the heavenly home that would one day be there’s!

Temporary blessings while we wait
7 months into our stay in America God blessed us and provided us with a wonderful home of our own. It was so exciting to move into a house we could call home again but… I can’t quite say I am ‘home’! That’s probably because London will always be home for me. However, I have also come to think that maybe wherever I end up in this life I will never quite feel I have arrived… This is because that deep human desire for ‘home’ and security is only going to be fulfilled one day when Jesus Christ returns and brings us into glory! And so in the midst of this temporary life God blesses us with things now. But remember these blessings are temporary and not the fullness of what is to come for us!

Don’t build your ‘home’ on the Sand of this world
So don’t build your life and your hopes on the shaky sand of this world. You will eventually set yourself up for disappointment. Trust me I have been there! This world is temporary and not stable (the news at the moment makes that very clear)! Maybe you are reading this and you are not a believer in Jesus… Maybe you don’t have the hope that every Christian can have even in the midst of a war torn world. My message to you is this – Jesus Christ is the answer to your human longing for peace, belonging and ‘home’. Seriously, if you are seeking hope and help in life, please feel free to message me or ask any questions. I would be more than happy to share with you the hope that I have through Jesus.

“But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ…” (Philippians 3:20)

The doors opened…

Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

It was 11am on Monday 19th November 2012, and I was standing outside the US embassy in London waiting in line for my 6 month US visitors visa appointment. I was nervous. I guess the London rain didn’t help as we first all had to wait outside the embassy and get security checked in. But at least I had my umbrella! For the first time in a long time I had faith that God had spoken to my family and I and was directing us to move away from the UK for a season to Washington State, US. We had some of Abbey’s family there, a few friends that we knew and a wonderful church community that we would discover.

20140525-153712-56232811.jpg

Its was quite intimidating standing outside the embassy. You realize you are coming before official people protecting their country! Armed police were at every entrance and exit to the building. CCTV cameras were everywhere. But most of all there was a real sense of awe and legal authority in that place. The national flag and iconic american bald eagle emblem all stand before you as you enter the embassy. Not anybody can just walk in and ask for a visa to the country. You need to meet a lot of criteria, fill out a lot of forms, and having an american wife greatly helps!

As confident as I was that God was involved in all this, I still felt nervous, rehearsing my lines for the anticipated questions that I would be asked! I was dressed well, wanting to give off a respectable impression to the embassy. I kept praying while in the line, ‘Lord what if I don’t get this visa? Lord give me a very nice person to interview me. Help me not to say the wrong thing and blow it somehow.’

Who’s in control anyway?
As I look back I question who was in control of my paths, future and destiny? On one hand this embassy was the make or break for moving forwards. However on the other hand the bible says that our lives, paths and future are in God’s control when we are following his plan.

“… for if this plan or this undertaking is of man, it will fail; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You might even be found opposing God!” (Acts 5:38, 39 ESV)

20140530-094351-35031248.jpg

The bible is filled with countless stories of God opening ‘doors’ for his people when it seemed humanly impossible. Look at how God opened up the way for Moses standing before the great Red Sea (see my earlier blog on this – http://wp.me/p4eE28-k). Then there is Joshua trying to move forwards to the promised land but Jericho was blocking them. Again God made a way forward. What about the apostle Paul locked in prison and an angel sent from God opened the cell, and out Paul walked!

God’s plans are unstoppable
What stands out to me from the Acts 5:38 verse quoted above are the words, ‘if it is of God…’. In Acts 5:38, the basic issue was, – if what the apostles were doing in preaching the gospel was just their own desire and plan, it would fail. But if what they were doing was in line with God’s purpose and will, nothing was going to succeed in stopping it!

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” (Proverbs 19:21 ESV)

One door at a time
Often God does not reveal to us his whole plan. I wish he would! I wish he would tell me exactly what he is doing and where he is leading and the timing for the next 50 years of my life. I would like him to download all his plans and sync them from the ‘cloud’ to my iPad calendar, but its not like that! God most often reveals just ‘one door’ at a time for us to begin walking through. We don’t know what the next steps or the other doors ahead of us are, but thats ok. That’s what living by faith is all about. We are no longer in control of our lives now. We are following Jesus Christ and his plans for us. Life is now about following Him… right? Jesus is our LORD… right? This means we no longer lead, but rather He leads and we follow him with glad and joyful hearts.

The doors opened!
Well, back to my story at the embassy. After a three hour wait I finally had my appointment/interview and successfully was granted my six month visitors visa to the US! I felt such a real relief as I got it. We were finally moving forwards. Not in the direction I had every imagined or would have chosen but God was leading us to where he wanted us to be for the next season of our lives.

Not only did this door open, but as a result of saying ‘yes Lord’ to what we felt was his leading, many other essential doors opened for us. We would need a free home to live in for 6 months, and God provided us that through the generosity of our dear friend and mother – Diane Segars! We would need thousands of pounds if we were going to embark on this adventure as neither Abbey or I would be able to work (at least not for a year)! Again within a few weeks of getting the visa we began to receive gifts of money in envelopes through our front door! We had struggled financially for a long time before this point, but funny how once we were moving with God’s new direction, all these gifts suddenly arrived and not before that.

Are we following our plans or God’s?
Maybe right now is good moment to stop and ponder on your life and what you are doing and pursuing. Are you following God’s plan for your career/retirement or your own plans? What about where you are living? Does God have another place for you to be? Maybe God is calling you to adopt a child but you can’t see how this would be possible financially or practically. Remember if it ‘is of God‘ he will make a way! Maybe there are other big decisions in your life to make.

If you are pursuing something that ‘is of God’ you can rest knowing he will make it happen as you walk with him. The journey there maybe long and hard! But be patient, and don’t get discouraged. God is with you, and he does have a plan for your life!

Panic attacks and Jesus!

Fear, panic, worry, Storms of life, , , , , , , , ,

It was May 2012 and I had just got back from a two week time out and break in Washington in a quick attempt to recover from the explosion that had happened in my body a month ago! I was very much rested while I was away on my two week break although the fatigue and stress pains were getting worse as I began to stop and reality caught up with my body. When I got back home to London I remembered thinking, “oh man I have only got another 5 days to recover before I go back to work again to lead the church!” There was no way I was going to be able to do this that soon…

Panic attacks
As a result of feeling overwhelmed with everything that was happening to me, I started having some very fearful panic attacks at night along with some not nice dreams! I would be awake in the middle of the night just unable to sleep. On another occasion I remember having all kinds of thoughts entering my mind like – I was going to lose my kids and family because I am going mental! I know it may sound crazy but it felt very real in the middle of the night. The worst thing of all was the feeling of being out of control; that really made me panic and was so scary. At times I would get out of bed and go downstairs, turn on the lights, eat something, read the news just to help me focus on reality and ‘snap out of it’.

Where was Jesus in all this?
“Jesus I am having a panic attack here, what do I do? Oh God help me, I am really struggling here, help me, help me!” I remember praying those panic prayers. And yet not much happened. Sometimes my experiences got worse rather than better! How does one process the question – ‘Jesus where are you right now because I am losing it here’?

In Mark chapter 4 we find the disciples of Jesus experiencing a very real panic attack and struggling to find Jesus in the midst of a literal storm out at sea in their boat.

“Leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat … and a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” (Mark 4:36-41 ESV)

20140303-165829.jpg

The disciples were in a very serious situation! They could easily drown and die and they had lost all control of the boat. The water was actually filling the boat – ‘the waves breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling.’(37) What a terrifying situation to be in!

Jesus was asleep!
Perhaps even more troubling was that Jesus didn’t appear to be with them! He was asleep!! Can you believe it? A bit selfish if you ask me – sleeping at the hour of the disciples greatest need! You can imagine the disciples saying –

“Where is he? Why is he asleep? Fancy putting his feet up and going for a sleep at a time like this! Doesn’t he care for us? How is he being a loving friend right now? What if we cant wake him up? Jesus are you there? Are you with us? Quick! Wake up, wake up, we need you!”

Can anyone relate to the disciple’s panic and confusion? I certainly can! Isn’t it interesting that it can often feel like Jesus is asleep when we most need him…

Jesus must have know there was a storm!
Here’s the thing – Jesus must have known he was in the midst a huge and dangerous storm! Remember the water was actually flooding the boat. Jesus clothes would have been wet!! The thunder and crashing waves would have been deafening. Either Jesus had taken a lot of sleeping tablets and was completely out of it, or perhaps he was aware of what was going on and chose to trust his heavenly Father and put his feet up during the storm…

A time to put your feet up!
As God’s adopted sons and daughters, Jesus calls us to trust in our Father in same way he did… even if that means sleeping during a storm!

Let’s not overlook this important phase. Of course in the end Jesus completely deals with the storm head on by literally commanding it to stop! But he didn’t immediately deal with the storm, that came later. In every storm that we face in life there is always a period of time when Jesus is calling us to demonstrate faith in Him by waiting, resting and remaining calm. Sometimes this stage of the storm can last a long time, even years! This is the time when circumstances haven’t changed and the storm still rages. It often feels like an unproductive time because there is nothing you can do but wait and weather the storm. But I wonder if from Jesus’ example to us if we can spare ourselves the emotional turmoil that goes with this stage. Can we learn to rest and even find peace in the midst of the storm? Let’s remember the famous Psalm 23 –

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters”. (Psalm 23:1, 2 ESV)

Did you notice – He ‘makes me lie down’?

God wants us to learn how to lie down in the midst of a storm! Yes the end will come when God deals with the storm, but how we handle and respond when God is not taking the storm away is critical! He does not want us to lose sleep. He does not want us to burn out emotionally with worry. He calls us to sleep, and to lie down by trusting he is in the boat with us!

Are you are going through a storm?
Perhaps you are going through a difficult time with one of your children. Or maybe its your health or family situation. Maybe you are in serious debt and you feel totally overwhelmed by this. Maybe you literally cannot sleep at night. Maybe you have lost a loved one. And worst of all it seems like Jesus is asleep… well maybe you are meant to join him! 🙂

A time to run!

Identity, Suffering, , , , , , , ,

“You’ve got to face your fears! You have got to face your demons. If you don’t they will haunt you all your life!”

We have all heard this kind of advice at some point in our lives whether that be personally, in a famous autobiography or perhaps on a cool fighting movie or something! We can’t spend our lives running away from things, but sometimes there is a time or a season to run away…

20140403-212113.jpg

4500 miles across the pond!
As you know in our case God opened up the way for us to literally move 4500 miles away from a very difficult time in our lives in London (see previous posts). For 9 months after crashing and burning out,  I held out as hard as I could to stay in London, to keep my family in our home and in our world! I was clinging to what I thought was best and most precious to me, but what we really needed was to somehow get away… After we arrived in Washington I came across this verse from the story of Mary and Joseph and noted it in my journal –

“An angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, “Rise, take the child and his mother, and flee to Egypt, and remain there until I tell you, for Herod is about to search for the child, to destroy him.” (Matthew 2:13)

Joseph and his family were diverted away from their home town in Bethlehem as part of God’s protection and rescue plan. And according to commentaries it seems that they may have stayed in Egypt for about 7 years rather than a few months before returning home.

God told Joseph and his family to run away!
What I found really interesting about this was that in this situation God does not tell Joseph to stand strong against an enemy attack. He doesn’t tell Joseph to fight the potential danger that was soon to come to his family. God tells him to flee. To run away and get the heck out of there!

Why is this taking so long God, Arrrr!??
God often brings us out from a dangerous or chaotic place in order to get our attention from all the noise and begin a process of healing. That process for me was and continues to be a long process!

At times over the last year I have gotten frustrated expecting that surely by now God would have me and my family all fixed, delivered and sorted from every problem in life! But it hasn’t been that way. “What’s going on God?! Why is life still so hard? Come on it’s been like 2 years!”

David was on the run from Saul for 8 years!!!
We read in 1 Samuel 21:10-15 that David ran away from Saul in fear of his life and went into a season of hiding! He was a fugitive on the run. What I didn’t realize was that David was most probably in this season for 4-8 years according to different scholars! I just always thought of it as maybe a few months reading the quick snapshots of the story in 1 Samuel. But no, David entered a season of running, of hiding, and of hardship for up to 8 years.

How can this happen to God’s chosen King?
Hold on a minute! How can this be? How can a righteous person like David with an incredible calling on his life be in such a situation? I cant imagine prince William (the next in line to the British throne) being on the run from danger and living away from home because of someone wanting to kill him. Why did God allow David to be in such a terrible situation? It just seems so wrong and unfitting for a King to be! He should be protected. He should be honored as a king, not left to be a fugitive on the run from a killer!

We are also God’s chosen Kings and Queens to be!
As born again believers in Jesus we are our now part of God’s royal family!

“And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory…” (Romans 8:17 NLT)

20140403-213137.jpg

We are joint heirs with Jesus who is the King reigning on the throne of heaven. Just as Prince William (and Harry) is heir of the throne by way of birth and ‘sonship’, so we as believers in Christ are born again into God’s royal family and are heirs of heaven’s throne. By grace we will inherit and share in Jesus’ royal status as King. This is amazing!

“I’m gona live like a child of the King”
Every now and then I come across the motto, ‘I’m gona live like a royal child of the King’. What people usually mean when they say this is that they are claiming their God given rights to live a life of victory, freedom and blessing in every aspect of life. And while this is true of who we are in Christ, it is not the whole truth this side of eternity. You wanna live like a child of the King? Are you sure? Do You want to live like King David who ran for 8 years from Saul? What about our ultimate King – Jesus Christ? He suffered more than anyone! He was driven out from his home town. He was crucified on a cross!

God’s royal heirs must share in Christ’s sufferings…
Surely God won’t allow his royal children to suffer and find themselves on the run from danger… will he?? Here is the next bit of our wonderful Romans 8:17 verse speaking of our royal heirship with Christ –

“… But if we are to share his glory, we must also share in his suffering.” (Romans 8:17 NLT)

I liked the first bit of this verse about us sharing in Christ’s royal glory but this bit… well let’s say I didn’t expect to read this. This verse is not saying that suffering somehow earns or merits us salvation! But it means that a mark of being a follower of Christ is that we will suffer and experience hardship. I don’t believe this ‘suffering’ is relegated to just persecution for the faith as sometimes people may say. No, this verse is is talking about all Christians. It’s part of the Christian life this side of eternity!

Take comfort that you are Christ’s!
Suffering will come to us and God will purposefully allow it at different times and in different seasons of our lives. Why? Well that’s another blog! But for now here is the point – when you are suffering, when you are on the run from a certain situation in your life, when hardship goes on for a very long time – you can take some refuge in knowing that this is biblical! You are in good company with all the brothers and sisters in Christ across the world!

“Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.” (1 Peter 4:12, 13 NLT)

If anything our sufferings are perhaps meant to encourage us that we are truly God’s royal children sharing in Christ’s sufferings… I know for me that this theme has helped me find purpose and meaning in the midst of long term suffering and in finding an answer to the question of why Is this happening! I have felt at times a strange sense of belonging to God because of the suffering. A sense or confirmation of being one of God’s chosen and adopted children… a royal heir of Christ!

Depression

Depression, , , , , ,

It was December 2012, about 7 months since I first got unwell and ‘burned out’ (see my earlier blog posts for what happened). Around this time Abbey reckoned I was a bit depressed. Ok, thats not true – she thought I was very depressed and had been on at me to talk to the doctor again!

DOCTOR, I’M ALRIGHT MATE!
I on the other hand thought I was alright. I mean struggling to get out of bed, feeling purposeless, not finding much desire for anything, feeling emotionally low – yeah I was alright…

20140302-204609.jpg

We went together to the doctors for my routinely checkup and Abbey liked to come with me because whenever I saw the doctor I did this thing where I perked up like a spring chicken and got all cheery and happy. I would smile as I told him about how badly I had been doing. Abbey on the other hand was there to help bring a bit of reality to how I was doing. A typical doctors visit went like this –

Doc: ‘So how have you been doing?’
Me: ‘Yeah not too bad (big smile on my face). I’ve been feeling a bit headachy and tired still. Um, er, I have also been feeling low at times.’
Abbey: ‘What are you talking about Mark? Doctor, he has been so tired everyday, barely able to get up and his emotional state is not good’.
Me: ‘Well, its not that bad luv (feeling a bit embarrassed in front of the doctor).
Abbey: ‘Err, yes it is!’
Doc: (Silent, just listening like a good doctor does with the occasional nod)
Me: ‘Yeah I suppose she’s right’.

Yes, it hurt my pride but Abbey is my wife and she is a good women to me! After filling in a questionnaire assessing people for depression, I was prescribed by my doctor for the first time in my life with antidepressants (Citalopram).

WHAT EXACTLY IS DEPRESSION?
I found this generic definition in the dictionary –

“The act of lowering something or pressing something down.”

We talk about a depression in the weather or of a pedal in a car. And when it comes to human lives depression has a similar meaning. It describes the state of being emotionally low, or the ‘pressing down’ of a person’s emotions and life. Below are a number of symptoms that describe someone with depression (from http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/what-is-depression) –

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Fatigue and decreased energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
Insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
Irritability, restlessness
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
Loss of pleasure in life
Overeating or appetite loss
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
Thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts

We all have these kinds of emotions at times but what classes a person with depression is when these symptoms continue for a long period of time even when there are no particular bad events happening in that person’s life.

WHERE DO EMOTIONS COME FROM?
Ah, the big question! You may have heard it said that the ‘heart’ is the place of our emotions but biologically it would seem that the ‘heart’ or our emotions resides in a specific area of the brain known as the ‘limbic system’.

20140309-145515.jpg

Trying to keeping things as simple as possible, if some kind of damage takes place in the limbic part of the brain then there will be damage in our emotions with depression be one of many different manifestations. It seems to me that there are three main things that can cause depression…

GENETICS

The genetic code and DNA we are born with can certainly make a person more or less vulnerable to depression. This is why depression sometimes runs in families. Chemicals such as Dopamine and Serotonin play a role in the emotions of a person. A depletion in these chemicals or a failure of the brain to control or produce these will effect the emotions and mood of a person. Antidepressants can help to control and balance these chemicals in the brain however it is not always that black and white.

TRAUMA & life events

Without a doubt our life experiences effect the health of our bodies and our emotions. Particularly, fearful and traumatic events, (especially in a child’s life) can severely or mildly damage the emotional part of the brain. Our bodies are excellent at survival including the brain… but there is a limit! We are not invincible supermen! There is only so much stress the brain can handle before it eventually ‘crashes’ or goes into ‘shut down’ in an attempt to survive an overwhelming experience. The danger is when it gets locked in that place permanently or for a period of time after the event has happened. As a result of this depression occurs as a symptoms and it remains there.

I think for me at least part of my depression was due to the effects of my burn out and chronic fatigue. The mental trauma of processing the sudden long term loss of my physical health, my work, my purpose, etc, was too much for my mind and depression was a symptom of that. My depression seemed to be in the form of ‘numbness’. I remember just ‘spacing out’ and feeling like that a lot. My emotions just shut down. I now understand that this is one of the brain’s ways of going into survival mode. For me it was hard to feel anything whether that be exciting feelings like joy or negative feelings like sadness. It was hard to feel motivated to do anything! I remember walking through the park feeling ‘dazed’ and wiped out.

WHAT WE BELIEVE ABOUT OURSELVES!

The last thing I will mention on the causes of depression is the whole area of identity and who we believe we are as people. From the day we are born we are forming thoughts and beliefs about ourselves! This happens through life events and through the relationships with our parents and others who influence us. The forming of our beliefs about ourselves particularly takes place in our childhood days.

For example imagine a little girl who grew up with a parent who only rewarded and showed her love when she had done well. It would not be unreasonable for this little girl to form the early childhood belief that her value and worth is based upon her performance and achievements. But what happens as the years go by and for whatever reasons she finds herself failing at life? Her relationships with men fail. Her parenting as a single mum fails. The only job she has is a bottom of the ladder minimum wage job. And on the list goes! Now as an adult that old imprinted belief – ‘you are what you achieve’ is going to somehow manifest in her life and in her emotions. She may not even be aware of this old childhood belief in the midst of her failings. Often these early childhood beliefs get some how put on the back shelf in the sub conscious part of the limbic brain. But the result can be depression.

I guess my point is this – you cannot live your life (consciously or sub-consciously) believing you are worthless and not be effected emotionally!

SEND ME OUT AN SOS!!
In 1905 the German government started using the famous morse code distress signal through radio for ships that were in danger out at sea. SOS became associated with such phrases as “save our ship”, “save our souls” and “send out succour” (wikipedia).

Depression doesn’t have to be this strange and mysterious mental disorder. Perhaps depression is the way the body or the brain is saying, ‘Send me out an SOS’. Depression is a symptom of emotional damage. Perhaps depression is a distress signal trying to get your attention… Perhaps it is trying to say, “Hey those awful beliefs about yourself that you’ve buried and forgotten over the years need dealing with!” Maybe depression is not meant to be ignored. Perhaps it is there tugging at your arm saying, “the pain and the trauma of 15 years ago needs attention!!”

In closing maybe the purpose of this post is to take some time out to pay attention to the warning lights in your emotional life. I know many people out there have depression far worse than I will ever know and my heart goes out to you! I am certainly not an expert in this field… however I surprisingly found myself stumbling over this topic for this post. I had not set out to hit this topic but perhaps I was meant to!

Next week I want to look at how do we find hope and healing in regards to depression.

To be continued…

Heaven!

Heaven, , , , , , ,

During the autumn months of 2012 Abbey was still bed bound with pregnancy sickness and I was still trying to recover from my chronic fatigue. These days (and the many days that would follow into 2013 onwards) were long and very monotonous. Each day was just about making it through.

20140222-214543.jpg

Slowly making it out of bed. Getting the kids fed. Shipping Noah off to friends to help look after him for a few hours so I could rest while George was at school. Arguing with Abbey during the day about where things were headed and what we were going to do when the money runs out. Losing my patience and stressing out with the kids when they weren’t being perfect or wanting some of my time. Trying to find the motivation to get on with house chores. Getting the kids bathed and fed again and then the saga of bed time! Wanting to be a good husband, father and church planter. Each day felt like climbing up a steep long hill but with no petrol in the tank.

Thank God for McDonalds!
However, on a good day we would treat ourselves as a family with a trip to (wait for it) … McDonalds in Wood Green where if we were lucky we would hear the usual police sirens running up and down the high street outside! And then we would get excited to get the kids to bed early so that we could maybe watch a little Modern Family before bed too! Oh yes, they were good days!!

All joking aside, many of these things are just normal day to day stuff, but when you are feeling depressed and struggling with chronic fatigue its a different story coupled with your wife being bed bound with pregnancy sickness and no job. Perhaps the biggest factor in all this though was that prior to these days just described I had in my opinion the most exciting and purposeful job that existed. I was living the dream! But now… well… life was just boring and hard.

Is this it?
After a while of living everyday like I have described and with no real purpose to it all except for survival you start to ask the big questions! Is this it? What am I living for? How do I live with any sense of meaning and purpose? I would complain to God with my questions, “I just don’t get it God, why is life so hard? Why do you allow this? What’s the point of it? And where is your promised salvation? God I am sick of this life and so fed up with it all!”

A growing desire for heaven!
On one occasion I was out for my usual walk at Alexandra Palace. The sun was beginning to set, there was a beautiful blue sky mixed with all kinds of colors, the breeze was gentle, the air was warm, the flowers and trees full of life and color. And there was this unique peace, calm and quietness. All was well here!

20140222-224207.jpg

In that moment I found a strange longing in my heart for heaven! I am not talking about a spiritual heaven floating in the clouds with angels. I am not talking about a heaven where we are in a strange and foreign place. Neither am I talking about some enlightenment or some strange reincarnation. No, I am talking about heaven as described in the bible, the hope of every believer in Jesus Christ.

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared…. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” (Revelation 21:1, 3-5 NLT)

You were made for so much more than this!
Deep down the longing for heaven is written in every human heart and we will never be satisfied until we have it. Though we have new in life in Jesus now through his death and resurrection, the fullness of that will never truly be understood except by looking at what life will be like when He returns again and brings heaven to earth.

Peace, wholeness, life, joy, love, bliss,
The reason the beautiful scenery in my walk in the park resonated with me was this – the beauty, the peace, the restfulness, the purity, and the life that I was looking at was a pale reflection of what our human lives will be like when Jesus returns and brings heaven to earth!

Please don’t mistake me – I am all for healings, miracles, deliverance, signs and wonders here on the earth now! After all the bible says God’s Kingdom is here now… but listen, until that day – there will still be crying, pain, tears, death, sorrow and more! The above verse in Revelation 21 makes that very clear. As someone once said,

“It would be a strange thing for Him (Jesus) who will wipe away every tear, to have no tears to wipe away!”

And lets remember that the apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 15:32 that if we are not going to be raised from the dead through Jesus then ‘Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die.’ In other words – if our hope is not in our future resurrection after death then all we have got it this life right now and everything in the grand scheme of things is meaningless.

Our future hope shapes the way we live now
“… he (God) has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, … ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials.” (1 Peter 1:3-6 ESV)

When you start to realize that our purpose, meaning and all those other big words are ultimately fulfilled in our future salvation it frees you from getting angry when life doesn’t work. It stops me from putting all my hopes and dreams in this life and then becoming empty and aimless as I did. It helps me respond to suffering with hope. Suffering in many ways just intensifies our longing for Jesus and his return. It forces me and drives me to put my hope in Jesus’ coming salvation rather than in the things of this world.

Horatio G Spafford
I will leave you with a few verses of the famous hymn – ‘It is well with my soul’. It was written by a Christian man called Horatio G Spafford in 1883 after he suffered the awful loss of his four daughters in a terrible sea accident!

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Suffering is very close to God’s heart

Grief & grieving, Suffering, , , , , , , , , , ,

Having had the whole summer of 2012 off and continuing into the autumn term still unable to work you might be wondering what on earth was I doing during that time! Good question… I don’t know either! Well, actually most days to be honest were simply about getting through. Most days were rarely productive, meaningful or purposeful for me. If I could I would try and get out on my own where I could walk in a park or go to the coffee shop. My regular get away was my very own local park at Alexandra Palace, just 10 minutes away from our home in London.
20140214-164928.jpg

I loved going there and taking in the silence, the beautiful scenery around me and the London landscape in the distance… I miss that place very much! I have a lot of memories there from going on my weekly prayer walks seeking God’s vision for the church to taking Noah to feed the geese at the lake, (he would hide behind my legs so he didn’t get bitten, lol!). I especially enjoyed sitting at the coffee shop there which was right by the lake. This is where I would write my weekly sermons gearing up for the big Sunday. These were such exciting times for me where God spoke to me and led me (including making a decision to move into the Cineworld movie theatre for our Sunday meeting place, that was pretty exciting!).

An empty chair
And so it was a strange thing for me to continue going to Alexandra Palace park sitting in the same chair in the coffee shop but with no sermon to write… and no sense of excitement and adventure anymore. I remember sitting in my usual chair drinking my coffee, looking out the window at the lake and feeling this deep sadness over me. Oh, how I deeply missed what I used to do and yet had no ability or health to continue anymore. I’ll be honest with you now and say I have a number of tears rolling down my cheeks as I am writing this! These are still very precious memories to me.

I cried so hard!
By the time it got to December 2012 (just before we were on our way out to leave for America) there was one occasion where it all hit me – the loss of everything! I cried so hard! I am not talking about a few tears, but real crying from the depths of my heart, like a baby when they lose their breath!  It wasn’t simply some ‘job’ that I was losing. It was history and memories. It was dear friends. Team mates who had sacrificed so much to come with us on the adventure. It was a growing congregation of people whom I loved. It was saying goodbye to a dream and a vision that felt such a part of my heart. It was saying goodbye to our next door neighbors who I loved dearly! Most of all it was saying goodbye to our whole world and home.

Suffering is very close to the heart of God
I was at Costa coffee one time meeting up with a close friend who had been a real support to me during the church planting years and who was part of our church. He said something very profound to me, “Mark, you know suffering is very close to the heart of God.”

Jesus experienced deep loss and grief. He wept at the death of Lazarus his friend. And can you imagine the pain and the grief he experienced as he watched his dear mother crying in front of him as he hung the cross dying? And what about the perspective from God the Father? Can you imagine watching your own son being tortured, humiliated and put to death? In the film the Passion of the Christ (by Mel Gibson) there is a fictional bit added to the scene where Jesus finally dies on the cross. A big tear drop from the sky falls to the ground. Though this is an added touch I think its appropriate as God the Father cries for his dear Son. And yes both Jesus and the Father knew there would be a resurrection in three days time but the suffering, the loss and the grief experienced was nonetheless real!

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15, 16 ESV)

Jesus deeply connects with our pain
Perhaps the translators should have swapped the word sympathize for empathize. The point is that Jesus’ ability to emotionally connect with our sufferings and temptations comes from his very own experience! He is not trying to understand or imagine how we might be feeling… he knows and identifies with our weaknesses, sufferings, griefs and temptations. He’s been there.

20140214-231623.jpg

Sometimes the only help one can offer someone suffering from grief is to listen, connect, understand, and cry with that person. Jesus is able to do that with us when we experience loss and grief whatever the depths.

A note to pastors and others…
Sometimes in life that ‘resurrection’ or restoration doesn’t come till much later and in the case of those who have lost a loved one – their ultimate hope will be heaven. As pastors and as friends of those who are grieving we need to learn how to sympathize. Yes quote the hope that we have in Christ. But first learn to sympathize with the suffering person. Jesus doesn’t always raise ‘Lazarus’ from the dead, but instead he points us to our future hope of glory and in the meantime sympathizes and cries with us in our grief and sorrows. So lets learn to do that if we are to be good friends and pastors for those who are grieving.

If you are grieving today…
If you are grieving today let me comfort you. Jesus is inviting you to come near to him. He will not condemn or judge you but rather he will embrace you with his scarred hands. He will cry with you. He will connect and understand you more than anyone else in this world is able to. When you are tempted to give up on God because of the terrible things that have happened (and that you can’t reconcile with a God of love!) – Jesus understands this full well. He too was tempted to give up on God through the week of his suffering passion. He was tempted to throw in the towel. He was tempted to curse God for his apparent abandonment. Of course he overcame and never gave in or sinned.

There maybe no apparent solutions to your loss. But Jesus is ready for you. You can cry… you should, its good for the soul and in it you may just find the God of all Glory crying with you!