Tag Archives: grace

I don’t want to pray, read the bible or worship…

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That’s exactly how I was feeling in January 2013, having arrived in Washington! Spiritually speaking I was still very much burnt out. I had no desire for God. I was more interested in watching a movie, or playing on my iPad or going to the gym than spending time in prayer with my Heavenly Father.

It’s been 22 days and I haven’t prayed!
I remember late into January 2013 becoming aware it had been weeks since I had spent time with God. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God or anything like that, far from it. I just simply had no passion or desire for God. I was tired, burnt out and low. Why would I want to read the bible or worship… that just felt like hard work. In fact I will go as far as saying that it was something that I just could not do. I didn’t have the power, desire or ability to pray, read the bible or worship!

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However in this state of spiritual weakness I began to realize something. The reason I didn’t want to pray was that it was all about me! Prayer had become about me working my way through to the presence of God. It was about me praying, me singing, me worshiping. It was about my ability to come with a clear mind about God. It was about me trying to come with a correct view of who I am in Christ under grace (good stuff by the way). The problem with that was this – I was now too weak to do ‘all that’. I literally could not do it anymore.

Coming back to God all over again
I eventually started spending time with God again, but these times would become very different to what I had known previously. Let me share with you three key things that drew me back to God.

1. Coming to God with nothing
It was like starting over again as new Christian! It was like meeting Jesus again for the first time. I had nothing to give. No achievements to boast about. No holiness to bring. In fact everything I did have seemed at that time to be pretty bad!

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So coming to God with ‘nothing’ was going to be a brave adventure. In fact I was in a strangely privileged position to really experience the gospel of grace…

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (‭Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭8-9‬ ESV)

And so I decided I would come to God just as I am – broken, sinful, and even without a desire for Him. I remember thinking to myself, ‘I wonder what’s going to happen?’

2. Being silent and letting God do the talking
Speaking of coming to God with nothing, I literally had nothing to say either! This time round my prayer life was going to be much more about being silent and listening to what God had ready to say to me!

“And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching…” (‭Luke‬ ‭10‬:‭39 ESV)

It was at this time that I first began to journal. I would sit down with my note book (ipad) and start my time with the Lord like this – “Father, what are you saying to me right now? What do you want to say to me?” I would then sit, wait, and sure enough to my surprise even, I found God speaking to me. Nearly every time I did this I felt God speaking to me about what I needed to hear most in my life at that time – his love for me and my identity in Christ.

3. Praying when I felt like it!
The other key thing that helped in bringing me back into prayer and relationship with God was coming to Him simply when I felt like it and wanted to. If that meant once or twice a week then let it be! Yep, contrary to a well planned, disciplined prayer life I decided that I could not and would not do it. You sometimes hear the popular saying, ‘even when we don’t feel it we still choose to worship’. I am sure that has some truth to it but for me at that time in my life it came down to this – if coming to God is not from my heart then what on earth is the point?!

And the Lord said: “… this people draw near with their mouth and honor me with their lips, while their hearts are far from me. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭29‬:‭13‬ ESV)

God doesn’t want my speech or my disciplined prayers. Nor does he want my striving or my well intentioned songs. He wants my heart. It’s got to be real and I mean really real! It’s got to be genuine. That’s what makes true relationships right? In fact I discovered the more real I got with God about my fears, my brokenness, and even what I thought of him – that’s when I met with God so easily and profoundly! As I came like this it was like I was meeting God directly face to face because I was now coming completely dependent on his grace.

What about you?
So these were three very precious things that brought me back to God in a time of crisis and burn out! But what about you?

Maybe you have a very good disciplined prayer life. Maybe you are up every morning at the crack of dawn to worship, read the bible and pray. Wow, that’s great! But check that you are coming to God with your heart. Check that your disciplined devotions haven’t become a substitute for relationship and being real with God. Sometimes it’s not always easy to tell.

Maybe you are a busy mum! Maybe you need to simply stop trying, and sit and wait on the Lord. Grab a pen and paper and take ten minutes out while your toddler has a nap (and then you can go for a nap yourself!). See what the Lord wants to say to you. Don’t feel guilty if you haven’t managed to pray for a long time. Start with where you are at but be real with God.

Lastly maybe for others, you have drifted away from God because of some crisis or a disappointment in your life. Perhaps deep down you are angry with God… Or perhaps (if we are going to ‘keep it real’) you don’t really believe God is very pleased with you. Well come to him just as you are! Be real with him. Tell him your hurts. Tell him how and even why you deep down have drifted away from him, and then wait to see what he will say to you.

I hope what I have shared from my personal experience has been helpful to you as you walk with God in this journey towards Glory!

Running the treadmill all alone

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It was the summer of 2012 and I was now off work for the whole summer in an attempt to recover from my chronic fatigue. During that summer period Sunday mornings were very strange for me as I did not attend or lead the church. On a typical Sunday morning during that summer you would find me at the gym working out while my church was about 100 meters away from me in the same shopping mall meeting in the Movie theatre! I felt like I was out in the wilderness laying low.

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Who was I now?
Who exactly was I now, running on that treadmill all alone? As the months moved on that question popped up as the ‘stripping down’ of my life increased. I went from having a good and high profile job to having no job and being unemployed for a long time. I went from having a decent salary to having nothing (including my family living in a homeless shelter later on). I went from having achieved a lot to suddenly being unable to achieve anything! I went from having lots of recognition to running the treadmill all alone in what felt like no-mans land. That was a very lonely time me.

In the ‘desert’ we find our true selves!
Despite this being a horrible time for me, looking back I can see some gems appearing. I discovered that God uses times like these to help us know who we truly are in Him. What I mean is this – when all your gifts, abilities, performance, achievements, recognition and approval from others is gone… who are you? How much are you worth when there is nothing you can do?

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God loved us before we had achieved or done anything!
I am so thankful for the truth of the gospel. It tells me something incredible!

“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners”. (Romans 5:8 NLT)

This verse is one of my favourite verses in the whole bible! It tells me that when I was at my worst, a sinner, having not achieved any righteousness of my own, God still loved me! You can’t get worse than being a ‘sinner’ and yet God loved us while we were like that. We were precious and valuable to Him before we had earned or achieved anything. He loves us unconditionally and takes us in just as we are and then later cleans us up. I often think of my love for my children. I loved them right from day 1 before they were able to do anything!

My identity is in Christ!
Our God given gifts and callings are wonderful things, but they are not the primary way we find our self worth and identity! The ultimate answer to the question, ‘who are you now?’ is this – my identity and worth is in Jesus Christ. It’s in everything he is for me and has achieved for me. Whether I am a pastor or not, an achiever of great things or not, a money earner or not, my identity and worth is in Jesus Christ. And yes, even if I have failed and sinned throughout the day – I am still a righteous saint in Christ!

Who are you? What’s your identity in?
Maybe your worth and value is in your achievements at work and you are pretty driven! Or maybe you are an incredible and talented athlete but the thought of no longer having that makes you feel very empty and scared. Maybe you thrive from the admiration of the opposite sex because, well lets face it, you are pretty darn good looking! Maybe your hard earned cash and bank balance gives you a sense of achievement, entitlement and worth. Maybe you have a very high position in your work and love the feeling of that, but it’s a little scary when someone else is being praised or promoted. Maybe you were a great mother to your children but now they have all left home, and you feel lost with who you are and what your value is in. Maybe you are just a wonderful, nice and happy person to be around. People really love hanging out with you, but its getting exhausting keeping up that smile!

Don’t be afraid of losing things (or your life!)

Jesus said, “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” (Luke 9:24 ESV)

Don’t be afraid of losing your life. Its scary at first, I know! But I have learnt that the stripping away of things in my life is helping me find my life again… but this time in Jesus. I lost the job I loved, lived for and dreamed of. I lost my health and ability to achieve things (sometimes all I could do in a day was… well, not a lot!). I became pretty low and self centered at times. But, I am now beginning to find that my real true life is rooted in God’s unconditional love for me. My value and worth is in Jesus Christ and not in what I have or how well I have done that day.

So, if you are going through a desert time in your life right now, or feel the whole world is being taken away from you, God might just be using this time to help you rediscover your life, worth and identity in Him.