Monthly Archives: October 2020

A perfect storm

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Have you ever come across a ‘perfect storm’? Here is a definition from wikipedia,

“A ‘perfect storm’ is an expression that describes an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically. The term is also used to describe an actual phenomenon that happens to occur in such a confluence, resulting in an event of unusual magnitude.”

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It was October 2012 and life had just got crazier! I was still working through my chronic fatigue and now all of a sudden Abbey being pregnant with Max found herself bed bound with severe sickness. We couldn’t believe the timing of these events. How could this all happen at the same time? I could barely look after the kids but always did my best, but with Abbey in bed for most of the day things were looking impossible for us as a family. On top of that neither of us could now work. Our finances were coming to a very quick end. With all these things kicking in together it was like a ‘perfect storm’ brewing!

“Storm ahead!”
How do you respond to such a terrifying set of circumstances? As far as we could see there was no human solution. Where will we live once our money runs out? Are we going to be homeless? How would we continue to function as a family with both Abbey and I sick?

There was no preparation for these events that were taking place. We did not receive any dreams or warnings from the Lord telling us what was soon to be coming. So what do you do? Well, we pretty much collapsed and crashed all over again! Yep. We found ourselves totally overwhelmed. We got angry. We got fearful. I remember on one occasion sitting in my car with my head against the stirring wheel saying to God, “I just can’t take it anymore!” We had lost hope and couldn’t see a way out…

The Israelites found themselves in a similar situation!

They said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? (Exodus 14:11)

Can you imagine being trapped in a desert with no where to go and an evil violent army on their way to slaughter you? Israel must have been terrified and sick to the stomach! They complained at God like most of us do when we are stressed and cannot make sense of why things are going so badly for us. They lost faith in God and could not see a way out … but God could!

“Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and the Lord drove the sea back by a strong east wind all night and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided. And the people of Israel went into the midst of the sea on dry ground, the waters being a wall to them on their right hand and on their left.” (Exodus 14:21-22)

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Woah! No one saw that coming!
Just when it looked absolutely impossible for the Israelites to be saved, God turns up with an answer that no one was expecting! He opens the sea left and right so that His people can walk through to safety and escape!

God did something very similar in our lives a year ago in the midst of our circumstances. He opened a way for my family and I to move to Washington State. Our move abroad was the beginning of God’s ‘exodus’ for us! He opened up a way for my family and I to begin a process of healing and restoration. Many challenges would continue to face us, but this was the beginning of God taking us away from all that had happened to us in England.

Are you in a storm?
Are you in a ‘perfect storm’? Maybe you are worried about how you are going to pay the next months rent but have no job. Maybe there are difficult or abusive people in your life and you cannot see a way out for escape. Maybe you are addicted to drugs and cannot see how you will ever get free from them. Maybe you are sick but cannot afford health insurance and wondering what are you going do. Maybe you are struggling in your marriage and cannot see a way forward. Maybe you are a mum at your wits end caring for all your children. Maybe you are facing some or all of these examples in one go!

God does have a way out for you!
I couldn’t see a way out. God’s people certainly couldn’t see a way out, but God could! He does have a way out for you. It may not come as the perfect way that you would like (we didn’t want to leave our home in England) but God definitely has a way out for you. It may not have arrived yet, but it will. It may come with other challenges ahead, but God knows what he is doing and where he is leading you.

I hope this encourages you if you are walking through a storm at the moment. I pray that God’s peace would rest upon you as you read you this. May God bless you.

Running the treadmill all alone

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It was the summer of 2012 and I was now off work for the whole summer in an attempt to recover from my chronic fatigue. During that summer period Sunday mornings were very strange for me as I did not attend or lead the church. On a typical Sunday morning during that summer you would find me at the gym working out while my church was about 100 meters away from me in the same shopping mall meeting in the Movie theatre! I felt like I was out in the wilderness laying low.

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Who was I now?
Who exactly was I now, running on that treadmill all alone? As the months moved on that question popped up as the ‘stripping down’ of my life increased. I went from having a good and high profile job to having no job and being unemployed for a long time. I went from having a decent salary to having nothing (including my family living in a homeless shelter later on). I went from having achieved a lot to suddenly being unable to achieve anything! I went from having lots of recognition to running the treadmill all alone in what felt like no-mans land. That was a very lonely time me.

In the ‘desert’ we find our true selves!
Despite this being a horrible time for me, looking back I can see some gems appearing. I discovered that God uses times like these to help us know who we truly are in Him. What I mean is this – when all your gifts, abilities, performance, achievements, recognition and approval from others is gone… who are you? How much are you worth when there is nothing you can do?

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God loved us before we had achieved or done anything!
I am so thankful for the truth of the gospel. It tells me something incredible!

“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners”. (Romans 5:8 NLT)

This verse is one of my favourite verses in the whole bible! It tells me that when I was at my worst, a sinner, having not achieved any righteousness of my own, God still loved me! You can’t get worse than being a ‘sinner’ and yet God loved us while we were like that. We were precious and valuable to Him before we had earned or achieved anything. He loves us unconditionally and takes us in just as we are and then later cleans us up. I often think of my love for my children. I loved them right from day 1 before they were able to do anything!

My identity is in Christ!
Our God given gifts and callings are wonderful things, but they are not the primary way we find our self worth and identity! The ultimate answer to the question, ‘who are you now?’ is this – my identity and worth is in Jesus Christ. It’s in everything he is for me and has achieved for me. Whether I am a pastor or not, an achiever of great things or not, a money earner or not, my identity and worth is in Jesus Christ. And yes, even if I have failed and sinned throughout the day – I am still a righteous saint in Christ!

Who are you? What’s your identity in?
Maybe your worth and value is in your achievements at work and you are pretty driven! Or maybe you are an incredible and talented athlete but the thought of no longer having that makes you feel very empty and scared. Maybe you thrive from the admiration of the opposite sex because, well lets face it, you are pretty darn good looking! Maybe your hard earned cash and bank balance gives you a sense of achievement, entitlement and worth. Maybe you have a very high position in your work and love the feeling of that, but it’s a little scary when someone else is being praised or promoted. Maybe you were a great mother to your children but now they have all left home, and you feel lost with who you are and what your value is in. Maybe you are just a wonderful, nice and happy person to be around. People really love hanging out with you, but its getting exhausting keeping up that smile!

Don’t be afraid of losing things (or your life!)

Jesus said, “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” (Luke 9:24 ESV)

Don’t be afraid of losing your life. Its scary at first, I know! But I have learnt that the stripping away of things in my life is helping me find my life again… but this time in Jesus. I lost the job I loved, lived for and dreamed of. I lost my health and ability to achieve things (sometimes all I could do in a day was… well, not a lot!). I became pretty low and self centered at times. But, I am now beginning to find that my real true life is rooted in God’s unconditional love for me. My value and worth is in Jesus Christ and not in what I have or how well I have done that day.

So, if you are going through a desert time in your life right now, or feel the whole world is being taken away from you, God might just be using this time to help you rediscover your life, worth and identity in Him.

Tongue-tied at the Big Rock Cafe!

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It was May 2012 and I had arrived in Washington state for a 2 week retreat on my own without my family. I had not yet been diagnosed as having Chronic fatigue or a serious case of ‘burn out’. My plan was to rest for two weeks and then be ready again to get back into London life, leading our church plant – Freedom Church. Little did I know my optimistic view was way off!

Each day I would go on a daily walk, along the College Way up to the Big Rock cafe and then turn back.

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It would take me about 45 minutes to do this walk. The main reason for this was I had to walk very slowly so not to get my heart rate going too much or I would just flag and feel ill. I could barely walk without the fatigue kicking in! I loved the walk though, it was so peaceful and beautiful.

A few days into my retreat I met up with John Westra, a friend of mine and the pastor of the local church where I was staying. We met together to chat at the Big Rock Cafe!

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We talked about my health, the church plant, and a number of other things. But then he asked me an intriguing question.

“Mark what do you think God is saying to you at the moment”?

I paused, tongue-tied. I had no idea! This wasn’t a question about what God was saying about my work or the church but about me… It was a really good question. If I was literally face to face with God, my nose right against his looking into his eyes, what would he say to me? My answer was, ‘I don’t know, I really don’t.’

Ninety percent of my prayer life was about the exciting church plant and ministry, or big needs in my life. The other ten percent I am not really sure about! One thing I began to realize though was this,

God might be more interested in a relationship with me than chatting all the time about how his new church was going in north London!

I had substituted intimacy and relationship with God for the thrill of work and ministry.

“You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God…” (Exodus 20:5)

Jesus did not suffer and give his life on a cross to simply share me with another idol; even the ministry! God is a passionate God and He is passionate about us. He gave everything he had that he might gain us for relationship. He wants us because he loves us so dearly.

This was just the beginning of a long and painful journey. I certainly had not ‘got’ all this in just one meeting at the Big rock cafe! God was going to be working on this very subject over the next two years (and he still is).

My question to you as you are reading this

My question to you is simple – ‘what is God saying to you at the moment?’ I don’t mean about your work, or about the problems in your marriage or family household or even about your future plans. If you were face to face with God right now in the midst of all your busyness and burdens what would God be saying to you? Maybe you have failed in some area of your life. Maybe you are stuck in sin and have drifted away from God. Maybe you really don’t like yourself. Maybe life is just very chaotic for you right now. But step away for a moment… Pause… Have you taken time out to just stop? Have you taken time out to sit quietly before God and hear his voice and words to you? What do you think God is saying to you? Don’t give the Sunday bible school answer either. Get real. What do you actually believe He thinks about you right now in the midst of your life? God wants more of you… He is after closeness and time spent with you. He loves you. He paid a great price to ‘get’ you!

Sometimes a ‘desert’ time in our lives is actually God’s way of pursuing us…

Help, we’ve lost everything!

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That’s pretty much a good summary of where my family and I were at this time last year (January 2013) as we stepped off the plane and arrived in Washington, USA!

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We had lost our home in London, England and all our possessions, except for the four suitcases we took with us filled with clothes and some of the kids toys :).

We had lost my family (my parents and my three brothers). We had lost some very dear friends.

I in particular had lost our beloved church that we had planted in north London with all the precious memories that went with it. I had lost an exciting dream. The very thing I was living for was gone!

Most of all I had lost my physical health. I was suffering with Chronic Fatigue (or ‘burn out’ as its often called) the very thing that caused all this!

Not only that but I was spiritually tired and depressed. I had no desire for God whatsoever.

That’s a lot of loss but I should say I at least had my wife and my precious children. We as a family were still together, although with much to work out!

My Journal over this last year!

This blog is about my thoughts, questions and answers during this ‘desert’ season of my life. Many of the topics are excerpts from my own personal journal. These were precious moments where I learned to sit down, listen and talk with God about life. I hope there are people out there who will find this helpful and identify with the real life struggles that I have gone through over the last two years. I hope some of my honesty will connect with others and help them through what they may be going through. Most of all I love writing and sharing about the things that I am passionate about!